Growing Pains

Wow. Wow. Wow.

I don't know where to begin. I guess am in the process of processing. I read recently that INFJ personality types (like myself) often take a while to process things. So I was relieved that I wasn't so weird. And then I read that we only make up 1% of the population.... so then I was like, "well I really am weird". Oh well.

Anyway, God is teaching me so much. I am grateful that I am in a position of willingness to listen to what he's saying to me. At least I am listening more now than I have in a really long time.

This is some of what I have been learning recently, only a fraction because I couldn't POSSIBLY fit it all..

"Regardless of how we get there, every follower of Jesus at some point will confront the wall. Failure to understand and surrender to God's working in us at the wall often results in great long-term pain, on-going immaturity, and confusion." - Excerpt from the book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality

This book has been life changing. I have been learning through the book and through teachings at church that we can't be spiritually mature until we are emotionally healthy. Sure we can do all of the things that help in our spiritual walk, such as attend bible studies, start to serve at church, even read devotionals. And while all of those things are good, and we become "more spiritual" we still aren't growing emotionally. We can go our whole christian lives and not know how to express ourselves in a healthy way. Or we may never really get to know our true selves at all because almost everything about us is supporting a facade to other people. If we show weakness it's only a part of it. We don't know how to be vulnerable... open to the potential of being hurt by others because our defenses are up so high all the time.

I know I get like that. You hurt me and it's over, no goodbyes, I just cut you out of my life. But why? Where is the grace in that? Where is the humility in that? Didn't Jesus die for more than that? Mind you, I most definitely think cutting certain people out of your life is necessary. Even Jesus prunes vines (I'm too lazy to look up the verse where this is at... somewhere in the Gospels though). When there is no way for a relationship to continue due to it's toxicity it's best to go your separate ways. But otherwise... otherwise I know I am called to face that pain, and that person who hurt me and try to work it out without assuming, without pointing fingers or accusations, just explanations... even if it means being hurt my them again.

This summer has by far been the most painful I've experienced, and I probably wouldn't have chosen it even now if I had a choice. (Side note: I think that's what makes Jesus so incredible... he DID have a choice to avoid pain and suffering but he chose it anyway... for me... and you.) But what the Lord has taught me through this summer and through this pain has changed me forever. I will never be the same girl that I was last May. I could never be. He is making ALL things new. "... His mercies begin afresh each morning" Lamentations 3:23. The Lord is faithful, and he is so good. And I hope that I can keep growing and maturing both spiritually AND emotionally.

More to come soon. =)