Rising from the Ashes

This is my first blog post, ever! I am interested to see how this journey plays out and if I will keep up with it.

My attempt for this blog is to be a cathartic release for my thoughts and emotions, but also an opportunity to share with people about what God is teaching me. This period in my walk with God has been a struggle, to say the least. For the first time in my life as a mature Christ follower I am really searching for my identity in Christ, and looking to him for my worth.

Life has taken a lot of devastating twists and turns for me recently. I am newly single after a three year long relationship, and seven month engagement. The reason for the ending of the relationship is something my close friends know, and most others have an idea of. I don't think it's necessary to divulge it here. What I will say though is that this period in my life has been the most painful that I have ever experienced. 

The grief is still consistent, and the loneliness is just about crippling sometimes. I wondered at first why God allowed this to happen. But I realize now that the person I wanted to marry so badly was not in the right place to be a husband. And I understand now that I was settling for less than what God wants for me. I also understand I am "better off" without him even though it is incredibly painful. 

This time in my life has definitely been a refining process. God has shown me a lot of my weaknesses through this experience. I know now that I was using my relationship as my sense of security, and that is where I found my worth, instead of in the Lord. Honestly, a big fear was being alone with just me and God. I found that I don't know how to be completely dependent on  him, and now I am clinging to him because when one's life is ripped out from under them God is the only constant thing they have.

The term, "single" makes me cringe a little bit. I said to someone once that it feels awkward and uncomfortable for me. It's like a tight itchy sweater that I can't take off. I don't remember how to be single, and I haven't been consistently single in the last 5 years. So it is safe to say, I really don't know how to do this.  For the first few weeks after the break up I would just repeat to myself over and over that this is my life now and I have to get used to it. I'll admit that I still have to say that out loud to myself from time to time.

I am still in the muddy part of this pain and a lot of times I feel like there isn't a way out of it. However that doesn't define who I am. I have good days and really bad days. Circumstances aside, I know that I am called a child of God. While I may not feel that way every day, and I may not believe that his promises are real all of the time, ultimately I know that he is an almighty and all powerful God and that he loves me more than I could possibly imagine.

A few days before the break up I wrote in my journal something like this: "Jesus, please grow me closer to you. Put to death anything in my life that is preventing me from knowing you more Lord. And when you do, please give me the strength to rise up out of those ashes."

Don't you know that's exactly what he did? He put to death a relationship that he knew wouldn't bear fruit for his kingdom, and he is giving me strength and encouragement to rise up from the ashes of this time in my life.